Several weeks ago I agreed to go with our daughter to North Carolina to help her look for housing for when her family moves later this summer. After the fire happened I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave Tim. I didn’t want to leave Payson. I’m not sure why. For some reason you just want to stay put. I have been trying to analyze why that is. Maybe I thought I would have some control over what happens to me if I stayed in Payson. There are still so many unknowns for us with the insurance company. Will we be allowed to sift through more of the ash to see if anything else survived or will they declare the site unsafe and bulldoze it all and take to the dump. It was our home. There are still belongings buried deep in the ash longing to be saved. At least that is how I view it. Going through the house one more time would also allow me to take photos of items to put on this notebook sized list we have started for the insurance company of the contents of our home.
Fast forward a few days now into my trip. I am thankful I went. I have been able to enjoy time with our daughter I would not otherwise had a chance to have. I was able to watch her ‘adult’, make decisions, interact with her husband communicating about decisions that needed to be made and be proud of all she and her family are doing. We pray our kids will grow up to be productive members of society and when they do it’s such a joy to watch!! Also- be Bonus- the Costco in Charlotte had the jeans in my size none of the other Costco’s in Arizona or online had. Happy happy Samantha. It may seem trivial to find a certain pair of jeans in your size but when you’re as picky as I am it takes me awhile to find clothing and shoes I really like. Once I find something I like- I typically buy one in every color.
What I have learned the last week is that no matter where you are physically you cannot control your circumstances. I could have stayed on Payson this week but I still would have had absolutely no control over what happens with our house. We can act like we have control over our situations, even tell ourselves we do, but truly none of us do. I’m trying to remain calm. I’m trying to focus on positive things. There’s a reason the Bible tells us to take every thought captive. If I think about them bulldozing our house before I have a chance to look for Essie’s body I panic. If I think about how horrific it was for our fur babies to die in a fire I fall apart. Thinking about those things won’t change what happened. Dwelling on those things won’t bring Ella and Essie back. I must take those thoughts captive and focus on what I know to be true. God wept as we wept at the loss of our home and pets. He hurts as we hurt grappling at what we need to do next. God is a good good father that loves and cares deeply about what happens to us. He knows my heart and what is going on in this scared confused brain of mine. I will continue to rest in Him.