Thanksgiving During Times of Tragedy

Thanksgiving. Typically a time in our lives to reflect on our lives and what we have to be thankful for.  This year, I found myself wrestling with the task. Yes—this year it was a task. A chore. Something negative at first. I found myself weepy.  Contemplating losses that occurred this year. Which led me down the road to dwelling on other losses over the years.  Then I was in a full fledged meltdown over tragedies over the last 50 years of my life.  Yes, it spiraled pretty quickly and became quite the dramatic event. 

We are using our daughter and son in law’s tree-I was able to find some ornaments at a thrift store, the wool character’s at Home Goods and surprisingly, the Precious Moments plates survived falling through the attic ceiling in a Rubbermaid container.
YES, the tree is above the kitchen cabinets out of Millie’s ‘puppy wants to destroy everything reach!’

Fast forward a few weeks later. What did I do to dig out of the pit? I started to think about our pastors message a few weeks ago. He read the following verse—

This God, His way is perfect; the Word of the Lord proves true;

He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him. Psalm 18:30

I have to admit when the teaching started I had a cynical attitude. The message was about how when we follow God’s way we don’t suffer the same outcome or consequences as when we go our own way. Okay, I understand consequences to decisions I make that are contrary to God’s way, but what about the part where God is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him? I literally asked God point blank, “if You are a shield to those who take refuge in you then WHY did we lose everything? Why did we lose Ella and Esther? Why did we lose all the family heirlooms I have manically cared for over the past years? Weren’t you supposed to be a shield to protect us?” I heard God whisper to me, “I did protect you. You weren’t home when the fire took everything.”  I stopped in my tracks. Wow. Perspective. God is right.

I had just gotten home from a four day visit to my aunt and uncle’s home. Typically for me once I am home from a long trip there’s no way I am leaving the house until I have mentally and physically recovered from the trip. Yet that morning I was up, dressed and out the door to do stuff by 9:15am. Ella resisted me putting her out in the dog run and gave me that brown eyes so so sad look.  I held Ella’s face in my hand and said, “I know girl, I just got home but I promise I’ll be right back and spend the rest of the day with you!”  I didn’t get to keep my promise to her. By 12:15pm, a mere 3 hours later, we received the call the house was fully engulfed. Our next door neighbor, our neighbor across the street and neighbor behind us were all home and NO one knew our house was on fire until someone driving by saw that it was completely involved.  Who knows if I was home what would have happened. God was a shield to us and protected us.

May 21, 2021

I continually remind myself of this truth when I am overwhelmed of the loss we have endured. Two years ago I went all out and put a Christmas tree in each room of our house and decorated each with a theme. Today, Christmas decorations are being set up all around us and I am reminded of ornaments collected for 50+ years are now ash. Handmade Christmas gifts given to my uncle over the years that I had no idea he had even kept until we discovered them after he passed away, are now gone. Every ornament meticulously chosen for our youngest daughter over her lifetime were in the attic and hadn’t been transferred to their new home and now never be moved.  The quilt of our oldest daughters Minnie Mouse t-shirts lovingly assembled for our granddaughter to be given to her as a gift this year is gone.  So, what do I do with all this grief that bubbles up each month as my hormones try to adjust to middle age?  I have to continue to remind myself the truth. God was and is our shield.  

Truth in hand I decided to start writing down the ways that God has helped us navigate the journey we are on.  Things to truly be thankful this year. 

  1. We were able to hire an architect to draw plans for our house when most architects have wait lists over a year.
  2. We were able to sell the Marissa lot as is and walk away from having to deal with the devastation it caused us.
  3. We were able to purchase a lot in the same neighborhood from a neighbor that wasn’t planning on selling the property but did so for us.
  4. We FINALLY received a check from the mortgage company for our payoff overage. (Yes, that was a very frustrating 3 months of the process!!)
  5. We discovered those in our lives that have our backs and were there for us when the shit hit the fan. These are the most important relationships to us now.

When I look at the terrible things that have happened- I have decided there HAS to be a positive about it. So…. Here are my thoughts.

  1. Our daughter, son in law, and granddaughter moved over three thousand miles away this summer. I miss them terribly. But, if I am being honest…the timing of them moving and all the chaos in our lives has shown me it would have been impossible for me to continue driving to Tucson every other week to help watch our granddaughter for a couple days. (But knowing me I would have tried to do it and then who knows where I would be mentally)
  2. We lost everything in the fire. But we gained a new perspective not many ever receive. Watching the fire fighters and police do their jobs gave me a great appreciation of all they go through daily on their jobs. The trauma and grief they witness is overwhelming to me personally.
  3. We lost our sweet Ella… but if not for losing Ella, we would never have added Millie to our family. Millie is another 80/20 dog.  She is the best dog 80% of the time and the other 20% we ask ourselves why we have a dog.  Oh, that puppy exuberance is exhausting.
  4. The family heirlooms in our house that I treasured were a way for me to connect to those I loved and are no longer here to physically hug me.  I looked at a photo of my grandparents dining room set and thought, “you know, it’s not the ‘model’ I would have picked. Now I have the opportunity to buy items that I love because they bring joy to me somehow – not because they were handed down to me.
  5. We lost our home of the last 13 years that was perfect for our family of four but now we get to design a home that is more suited to an aging couple with a growing extended family that visits.
Minnie Mouse quilt top for our granddaughter

I will continue to press on. I will continue to tell myself the truth. I will continue to find things to be thankful for when I don’t always ‘feel’ thankful. 

What will you do when you feel like there’s nothing to really be thankful for?

Weary But Not Defeated

For the first time in 5 months I made it until 3:00pm before I realized it was the anniversary of the fire. We were in Hawaii so it was 6pm in Arizona…does that mean I made it even longer? No matter what time is was technically I am grateful to have had the distraction of our daughters wedding to keep me from being as weepy. We had one moment yesterday where we saw a photo of Esther that popped up in a photo memory and it was pretty melancholy mood for us both for the next hour or so.

I thought I would do a quick update as to what is going on in our lives 5 months post house fire.

We turned our personal property list into the insurance company a few weeks ago. It took nearly four months to compile a 3500 line spreadsheet of items we could remember were in the house. There are a few more things we have thought of since we turned in the list but for the most part we have decided the other things that have been forgotten are not worth the stress they create by trying to remember them.

Right after the fire we were combing the ashes for Esther’s remains and I ended up falling through the damaged floor. The jarring to my body set off inflammation already in my back called spinal stenosis; a condition my father also had it. I will be undergoing a laminectomy of two vertebrae on Tuesday, Oct. 26th. The length of my recovery will depend on me. They’re saying anywhere between 6-12 weeks.

American Family Insurance has been very good to us so far. They sent our payoff to us for the mortgage company, which we endorsed and Mr. Copper/Nationwide received it August 11th and we didn’t hear anything….a week went by…finally, Tim called. After two hours of being transferred to different agents Tim was told “the check did not have two signatures so we shred it.” (This is where Tim turns red and blows a gasket. Those of you that know him well know that Tim RARELY, if ever, blows a gasket.) Tim calls the insurance company, they hustle to get a second check cut and at the same time Tim finds out that the mortgage company did not shred the check because there were indeed two signatures and were going to deposit it and the insurance company says, “well now we need to stop payment on that check too.” Are you dizzy yet? Here we are the end of October, the mortgage company has a third check and we are hoping for our equity money to arrive any day now. In the meantime, we finally worked out a way to financially buy a new piece of property to build on around the corner from where we were before and are having house plans drafted as of this week. The builder who built our Marissa house for us is buying the property back from us and going to rebuild a different style house. I’m so grateful that I will not have to drive by it on a daily basis and be reminded of our loss. Lord willing we will be in by next Christmas.

As we navigate this arduous season of life we are doing our best to not add anything that isn’t necessary. We are trying to rest and be prepared for the task that lies before us (building a new house and replenishing our household goods. In the meantime I am taking an Acrylics Art Class at the college. It’s very therapeutic for me and I am loving it. Unfortunately I am going to need to take a little break from class for surgery.

Vibrant Fall

I found this double walled glass in the rubble of our home. It didn’t have a crack on it. It was filthy, of course, but still okay. I feel like I look like that glass. I’m filthy on the outside, not unscathed by the results of the fire, but I am still usable, not destroyed. I only FEEL destroyed. The same goes for our Dragon Tree. For several reasons it had to be dug out of the ground. I was crushed. I took a piece with roots and transplanted it and it was doing very well, for awhile. So…I pruned it back a little for the winter. I think it was too much and I killed it. Unfortunately we won’t know for sure until the spring time. I feel a bit like that too. That I really don’t know how this is all going to turn out until later. I’m not a big fan of not knowing what is going to happen on down the road.

Needless to say, we are weary but not defeated. We are leaning on each other for strength through the valley. We are blessed to be spending the week with our daughters and their husbands. I am terrified of the surgery but know in the long run it will mean life changing mobility for me. I’m too young to walk like an 80 year old when it’s cold and damp outside. I want to walk our dog without having to walk carefully as not to set off my sciatic. (Some of my issues are my own fault for not taking better care of myself and the other is genetics. Either way- I’m still mad I have to ride this train to the station.)

No matter what our circumstances are in life it is up to me and me alone how I RESPOND to the hand I am dealt. I refuse to let circumstances to take anything from me. I refuse to let circumstances dictate my mood or attitude. I CHOOSE to be joyful and calm in the moment (I’m still waiting for my heart and brain to come together on this one). I CHOOSE to have a good attitude (again…waiting for the heart and brain…come on guys). My admitting this is not for people to feel bad but rather gain a perspective in life from someone that’s been there. Many times we jump to conclusions about someone’s situation not fully comprehending their circumstances. It’s times like these I try to take a step back and admit I may not have all the information needed to make an informed judgment. Better yet- let’s not make a judgment at all.

I hope this day you too will choose what is best for you.

Three Months…I need to stop counting…

August 21st….Three months   If you would have asked me if so much change could occur in our lives in three months I would have told you there is absolutely no way. We aren’t “that” crazy. But sometimes change comes without your permission. Your home burns down. Your kids move to another state…and take your only grandchild with them!! You are forced to react or respond in a way that will shape your future. Your circumstances, relationships and general path in life are all effected by how you respond to the changes. 

The last week I have been consumed with sorting and digging through the rubble at the Marissa house as the demolition began. Our adopted daughter, Jordan, has tirelessly been by my side for hours on end helping me look for Esther’s remains. We found a few treasures. (The photo is of me with my great grandma Julie’s rosary and cross necklace.  How on earth it survived is a God thing.  We also found a few old photos of my great grandparents wedding day that may be able to be restored. But we didn’t find Esther.

Jordan was down in the crawl space where the kitchen fell and found one piece of my great grandmothers china—the creamer pitcher where the handle is broken off- but its a little piece of history and my past. I remember my little brother, Nathan, and I making my parents dinner one night when I was probably in 6th or 7th grade.  We designed menu’s with roses drawn on the front.  I had those menu’s in the attic—but now I have the memory in my heart to hold. But Jordan didn’t find Esther.

We were looking through rubble in the master bedroom and managed to find Annabelle’s ashes and the dog bowl, albeit in pieces, that was her memorial. The plastic that contained her ashes and the metal tag from the crematorium had some how survived. But we didn’t find Esther.

Jordan and I found other things, too, but what I wanted to find most was Esther’s remains.  I feel like she deserves to be laid to rest somewhere other than the dump. I had to stop and ask myself if I am being reasonable. I am currently being treated for a bulging disc that quite frankly is not happy with all the digging and lifting I am doing. It made me think of when my brother died my parents were so sad and I thought to myself, “what about me? I am still alive. Doesn’t it matter that I am still here on earth for you?”  The memory made me think of an adorable little puppy that was at home alone. I told Jordan that I really should probably stop worrying about my deceased pet and focus on the one I do have that needs my attention and love at the moment. Although a very rational decision, my heart was still breaking that we still hadn’t found Esther. We decided to take some feathers from her favorite pillow (my Iris painted on silk pillow) along with some ash from the area where she was that morning when I left. It’s not her but I have to let it go (I kind of feel like I keep saying this and something keeps drawing me back there to look for her.)

The more time I spent at the Marissa house this week the more discouraged I became. I had just taken a photo of our dragon tree before the demo began and you could barely see the charred trunks for all the greenery and new growth. The gentleman who is operating the backhoe pulled some of the roots from the ground for me in hopes that we can transplant it to the new home site. Honestly—I feel like the “after photo” of the dragon tree after this week. Wilted, defeated, drained…. Just sad.  I suppose that is the natural order of grief. As I think about grief and how people react to those who are grieving I considered the demo of our house.  From the backside of the house all looks the same. But when you go around to the front you see the destruction. Depending on your relationship with the one who is grieving you may get one perspective or the other…if they trust you, you will get to see the front view and all the destruction. If they don’t feel you are a safe person to share with, you will only see the back side of the destruction.  The same goes when you look at the dragon tree. Depending on your perspective you see all the green growth and all the good that is coming from the tragedy. The other perspective, when you look closely, is a peek at the charred tree trunk which tells a very different story. When you interact with the people in your life that are going through a tough time, stop and try to see the whole picture. Will you be a safe person for that individual so that you can help them through their grief? 

Update on what happens next for us.

We have sold the Marissa lot and do not plan to rebuild there. We are currently looking at a lot to build on and have a builder selected. I just have to sit down and design the house for the architect so he can get the plans drawn up.  God has shown us over and over how His hand is guiding and protecting us. I am still human and still get miffed with God daily and have to continue to work through my anger and pain. Logically, I know He loves me and wants what is best for me— He and I don’t always see eye to eye on what that is. I continue to wrestle through how to respond to my circumstances rather than react. What will my perspective or focus be? The things we have lost or what we have gained through our experience?

 

How Deep Do Your Roots Go?

Twelve years ago very good friends of ours gave us a transplant sprout from their Paulowania tree. When it matures, it has beautiful purple flowers when it blooms. Whenever people would come to our home the first question was usually asking what kind of tree was in our yard. The leaves got so big they looked like elephant ears.

We have gone back and forth from the house to see if there were things we could gather and save. Unfortunately, if the fire didn’t damage the item, more than likely the water and smoke damaged it. Every time we went to the house I noticed my plants in the yard and specifically the Dragon tree were all thriving. It really perplexed me! They had just been through this horrific trauma of heat and fire for two-three hours and they are growing like mad! I began to think about what was going on behind the scenes here. My mind kept going to the verse in Colossians 2 about being deeply rooted in Christ. The plants at our house had been there for over tens years. They were certainly deeply grounded here in the yard. It was a great illustration of what Paul meant when he wrote,

“let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you with overflow with thankfulness.”

Colossians 2:7 NLT

Paulownia Tree AKA Dragon Tree

For the last few weeks I have watched our tree and I have thought about if my roots are firmly rooted in my faith. I found myself getting irritated with people around me. Irritated with our new puppy. Aggravated with life. Maybe my faith isn’t as firmly rooted as it needs to be, or as deeply as I thought it was? Yesterday was the 2 month anniversary of the fire. I’m tired. I’m worn. I want to go home to our house but it’s not there anymore. I want a safe place to be and our home was that place for me. How do I make my way through this journey without my safe place? I think about Cori ten Boom and how she found safety and peace within the walls of the Concentration Camp she was held captive within. Samantha, dig deeper. You can do this. I went back to check on my tree…

Look at all that growth!!! As I shared about the tree with a good friend last night I told her…”look at all that growth!! But I am here to tell you it is painful growth. It’s beautiful and one day the ugliness around it will be gone.” Sometimes the pain in the world is ugly from one perspective but from another advantage point, beautiful things are happening. We don’t always know why ugly things in the world happen. And in reality, would we want to know the why? Could we actually handle the why? Does is matter if we can’t change the circumstances of the why? This is not easy to let go of. I am a control freak naturally. I don’t understand why. I don’t want to be in this nightmare, but I also have no choice. The choice I do have is to remain deeply rooted in my faith. I may not be thankful right away-but I do believe that I will eventually get there.

As far as an update on where things are at– The investigation has officially been closed by the insurance company. They were unable to determine what started the fire. I will be meeting with the company that will begin debris removal later today. Having the house come completely down I think will bring some closure. Kind of like a funeral after the loss of a loved one. I am still heartbroken we did not find Esther’s body but I know she is with us in spirit and will always be with us. Please continue to pray for us. There is still so much to do. I am overwhelmed with all I have to do- many ask what they can do to help and unfortunately I don’t think there’s really anything people can help with. We still have copious amounts of items to write down for the insurance company of items that were in our home. Paperwork that was lost–car titles, passports, etc… all need to be replaced and we have to file for those items. Tim and I still have not found a good system for writing things down and getting them into the computer into the spreadsheet the insurance company gave us. I don’t know how people do this and still have hair on their heads when they’re done. In the meantime, I am going to try and rest my weary body and do what I can do day to day knowing its okay to not be 100% okay right now.

Taking Every Thought Captive

Several weeks ago I agreed to go with our daughter to North Carolina to help her look for housing for when her family moves later this summer.  After the fire happened I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave Tim. I didn’t want to leave Payson. I’m not sure why. For some reason you just want to stay put. I have been trying to analyze why that is. Maybe I thought I would have some control over what happens to me if I stayed in Payson.  There are still so many unknowns for us with the insurance company. Will we be allowed to sift through more of the ash to see if anything else survived or will they declare the site unsafe and bulldoze it all and take to the dump. It was our home. There are still belongings buried deep in the ash longing to be saved. At least that is how I view it. Going through the house one more time would also allow me to take photos of items to put on this notebook sized list we have started for the insurance company of the contents of our home. 

Fast forward a few days now into my trip. I am thankful I went. I have been able to enjoy time with our daughter I would not otherwise had a chance to have. I was able to watch her ‘adult’, make decisions, interact with her husband communicating about decisions that needed to be made and be proud of all she and her family are doing.  We pray our kids will grow up to be productive members of society and when they do it’s such a joy to watch!! Also- be Bonus- the Costco in Charlotte had the jeans in my size none of the other Costco’s in Arizona or online had. Happy happy Samantha. It may seem trivial to find a certain pair of jeans in your size but when you’re as picky as I am it takes me awhile to find clothing and shoes I really like. Once I find something I like- I typically buy one in every color.    

What I have learned the last week is that no matter where you are physically you cannot control your circumstances. I could have stayed on Payson this week but I still would have had absolutely no control over what happens with our house. We can act like we have control over our situations, even tell ourselves we do, but truly none of us do. I’m trying to remain calm. I’m trying to focus on positive things. There’s a reason the Bible tells us to take every thought captive. If I think about them bulldozing our house before I have a chance to look for Essie’s body I panic. If I think about how horrific it was for our fur babies to die in a fire I fall apart. Thinking about those things won’t change what happened. Dwelling on those things won’t bring Ella and Essie back. I must take those thoughts captive and focus on what I know to be true. God wept as we wept at the loss of our home and pets. He hurts as we hurt grappling at what we need to do next. God is a good good father that loves and cares deeply about what happens to us. He knows my heart and what is going on in this scared confused brain of mine. I will continue to rest in Him. 

Highway to Hell

This morning at 5:30 am I was jarred from my peaceful sleep to the sound of AC/DC’s song Highway to Hell. Our windows were open, and it was LOUD. I thought about how appropriate the song was considering today is the three-week mark of losing our fur babies and our house burning down. I laid in bed for 30 minutes wondering when security was going to inform the Club of the blunder and put my pillow over my head. I decided that instead of complaining about the situation (even though I have to get up tomorrow at 3am to make my 6:00am flight) that I would try to think about the positive things going on in our lives.

It wasn’t easy to shift gears. I was cranky. Snarky even. All I could think of is that I don’t want to leave right now. I know I will enjoy the time with our daughter. Part of me wants to curl up in bed and just forget the world now. But I didn’t want to let our daughter down. So, I got my rear end out of bed and got dressed. (It is still difficult for me to eat and sleep—please continue to pray for me in that area).

As I headed out the door the UPS man arrived with a few boxes for us. It reminded me that there are people out there praying for us and sending gifts to help replenish items we lost in the fire.

I ran a few errands and Jordan met me at the rental to pick up all the photos we found in the house yesterday. She has done an extraordinary job saving our photos for us. It is an immense labor of love and it reminded me that I do have so much to be thankful.

I met Tim for lunch and could hardly stomach the thought of eating. Once we talked about a few “insurance business” items I started to feel less anxious about life. We have an arduous task before us in trying to list all the items in our house for the insurance company, but I know we can do it.  It may take awhile but we will get it done.  (I would suggest to anyone who would like to avoid this nightmare to take photos of everything in your home. Inside of cabinets and drawers. EVERYTHING)

This afternoon I packed for my trip, unpacked a few items at our rental house and pondered where we were 3 weeks ago today. I had told Tim when we first got on the scene that I knew we had lost Essie for sure in the fire—but that I couldn’t lose both she and Ella. I told him I couldn’t survive it. And yet, here I am. I am alive. By the grace of God, He has given me everything I need to get through this tragedy. Life will slowly get back to normal, whatever normal is. We will take each day moment by moment. I can’t think about the big picture right now. It’s too much. And that is okay. I only need to have the strength for this moment. God will take care of the rest.

Heartbroken and Homesick

Imagine with me for a moment that you have left your home to go on a few errands.  You have left your home and when you return things will never be the same.  May 21, 2021 will be forever ingrained in my mind as a day of weeping. The day did not begin that way, but it certainly ended that way.

I had just returned from a trip to Illinois to visit my aunt with my mom. The night before I had unloaded my luggage and travel carry on from my car. When I woke up Friday morning, I decided to run a few errands.  I called our year-old lab puppy to come to the door to go outside.  She dropped her head—she did not want to go out.  I thought briefly about taking her with me, but her crate wasn’t in my car because I had been out of town. I knelt down and cupped her face in my hands, kissed her and said, “I know I just got home baby.  I have a couple quick errands and I’ll be right back.”  I opened the door, put her outside on our deck, closed and locked the door never realizing it would be the very last time I would kiss her sweet face.  Our cat was asleep on her chair in our bedroom.  I didn’t want to disturb her nap, so I left without saying goodbye.

Fast forward 90 minutes.  My husband and I are sitting chit chatting after ordering lunch when his cellphone rings.  He declines the call because we are having lunch together.  Twenty seconds later my cellphone rings and it’s the same caller. It’s our friend who is a sergeant with the Payson Police Department.  He’s calling to let us know our house is currently on fire. I immediately jumped up from the table and ran to my car. I kept begging our friend to please save our pets. I thought Ella would be fine because she was outside on our deck and had access to the side yard. We had no idea how involved the fire was by the time the fire department arrived on the scene.

Thirty-one years of marriage. Two children. One granddaughter. Not just a house but a home full of memories. Gone in the blink of an eye. We stood and watched as everything we had worked for over the years, the sweat equity put into the house, the family collectibles we had that I treasured—all gone. Every time we built a new house in order to help pay down our house payment, I would joke with God that the house was His but everything inside was mine.  As we watched it all burn, I had to ask myself, “What do we really have in life that is our own?” We come into this world with nothing, and we leave it with nothing. The only thing that will last is that which is eternal.

Nearly three weeks later, what does day to day life look like for someone who has lost their home to a fire?  Thankfully, at this point, you have acquired more than one set of clothing. You might have two pairs of shoes now.  If you have found a new place to live you are now compiling a list of items you need for the new place.  Dish soap, towels, dishes, silverware, cookware, sheets, bath towels, etc..  Take a look around your home now. When someone has a total loss fire they have nothing when all is said and done.  I do have a few pairs of shoes that survived, a jacket or two- but the insurance company hasn’t gone through the house yet to see what is salvageable, so you are hoping they’ll survive but you just don’t know.  Should you replace it or hold out hope? Last month when I woke up in the morning, I had a routine. I knew what I was going to be doing. Today it depends on a plethora of factors none of which I have control over. If I was having a tough day, I knew I could always go into my craft room to create something that would always help me feel better.  I am not writing all of this for people to feel sorry for us. I am writing to help people have a better understand or get a glimpse of what it is like to lose everything.

The hardest part for me today is that I am still not feeling well. When you are not feeling well you just want to be home and in your own bed with your favorite comfy jammies (that no longer exist) cuddled up with your fur babies (that are no longer with you, as well.)

Things that I am choosing to do to help with the heartbreak. 

  • Thanking God Tim and I are both still alive. The more we discuss what happened that morning the more I realize what a blessing it was I wasn’t home. (this is still very difficult on a gut level because I tell myself if I would have been home maybe I could have stopped the fire from spreading and/or saved Ella and Essie.)
  • I am focusing on building a new home for us. What are the little things we did have that made our house a home?
  • Journaling about how much this sucks.
  • Taking outdoor plants that did survive the fire and transplanting them at the house we will be living at for the next year.
  • Focusing on what we do have and not what we do not have.
  • Focusing on rebuilding my craft room- collecting things that will be part of my new journey in fiber arts.
  • Remembering the great times we had with Ella and Esther and not focusing on the years we lost. (Picture Esther in a kayak with us on Lake Powell. She was such a trooper)

This list is not complete but are some of the things I am doing to cope right now.  We are so appreciative of the thoughts and prayers of our community. Family and friends have been amazing. We will receive a package in the mail, and I have to ask our girls “who is so and so?”  to which one usually replies, ‘Oh, they’re our friends.’  The outpouring of love has been unfathomable to me. Please continue to pray that I heal from the bronchitis I have developed. Pray for wisdom for Tim as he deals with the fires and evacuations in southern Gila County and how they are affecting the court system. Thursday will be the electrical inspection at the house to see if they can determine the cause of the fire.  Friday the 18th the rental furniture will be delivered, and we can start getting settled in our new place.  Please pray for our landlord who has a long recovery ahead of him. We have developed quite a fond affection for him and his daughter.

This Too Shall Pass

Tragedy is a mysterious thing. Every morning you wake up is different. Some days you wake up and the elephant is sitting on your chest. You’re numb and have to decide to conquer the demons and make it through the day. Some days you are weepy and tears come easily. Other times the tears won’t come because you’re just too tired to cry. Last week I had taken my mom to Illinois to visit her sister who has her own battle she’s fighting at the moment. I made her the quilt pictured – and had added her motto ‘this too shall pass’. We all have things in our lives we wish would go away If we focus on what is irritating us or causing us pain we will miss the things that bring us joy. I can focus on all that we have lost but what good will that do me? They are just things (although those that know me well know I’m about the most sentimental person alive on the planet!) Our attic and house was filled with items from my great grandparents, grandparents, bins filled with all the girls artwork, stuffed animals and fabric clothing from when they were young. My little brothers stuffed dog ‘Fred’ didn’t survive the fire but the scrapbook I had made when he died of all the cards people sent survived with our photos!! Tim’s rocking chair from when he was a toddler along with Shoshanah’s are gone but we have the amazing memory and photos of our granddaughter sitting in the chairs rocking away. Every time I think of something we’ve lost I try to immediately think of a positive from it. It’s the only way I can cope with what has happened. Humor is another coping mechanism of mine. The stuff in the house is temporary. It wouldn’t have lasted forever. And quite honestly- the stuff was important to me— when I am dead and gone who would have wanted to inherit the ‘creepy’ baby doll from the 1920’s that my girls always wanted tucked away in the closet when they came to visit? What to do with family heirlooms after we are gone has now been decided for us. We are eternal. Things are not. I am going to try and focus on that today. Please continue to pray we find a long term rental until we can build a new home.

75Winona Lipp, Mandy Getz and 73 others25 CommentsLikeCommentShare

Refiner’s Fire

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: ‘He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.’ (Malachi 3:3) She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, ‘How do you know when the silver is fully refined?’ He smiled at her and answered, ‘Oh, that’s easy — when I see my image in it. I have always loved this story. When my brother died it comforted me. Now- it comforts me again. Every other piece of artwork in our house was destroyed. Even in the outlying areas where a few things survived- this metal piece was hanging in the great room where the fire was the hottest. Another sign to us that the word of God stands forever. Amen!