Author Archives: a lil bird told me

Are Your Holiday Family Gatherings More Prickly than Polite?

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Have you ever played the word association game?  Lets try~I say chocolate, saliva develops as you sternly bark….’get me some!’ Or, I say ‘fruitcake’ and you say, ‘that wouldn’t even make my dog drool. Move on.’  What if I say, “family holiday gathering?” Be honest. Do you start perspiring even though it’s 65 degrees? Your eyes start to glaze over as you painfully realize Christmas is just around the corner. You are about to spend hours with people who don’t really like you. In fact, the family tree may be the only reason they gather with you at all.

 

At Christmas we ponder Jesus as light of the world.  But, Matthew 5 states that we, Jesus’ followers, are the light of the world. Is it possible to be the ‘light of the world’ while spending time with family members?  Yesterday while I was shopping,  I gave the lady behind me in line 2 of my extra coupons.  You would have thought I had given her a $20 bill. She was elated. That was easy. Why is it easier to be a light for Christ with a stranger? What happens to that thoughtful spirit in me when I get around my relatives?  What is there about us that can be so stubborn about demanding our way when we are with family? Do I demand more from my relatives? Am I a poor communicator? Do my actions corroborate my words or discredit me?

 

Recently I had to answer these questions when I received a email from a family member that left me shaking. Angry. Hurt. Angry. Disgruntled. Angry. Hopeless. Did I mention ANGRY?  It, however, was not a righteous anger. I had to ask myself why the letter caused so much anger within me. Perhaps it was because some of the things in the email were painfully true.  Initially, I chose denial fervently building a case for myself of all the things in the letter that were not true. Not a good plan. Fortunately, after much prayer and seeking counsel, I snapped out of denial mode.

 

Many of the things in the email were not necessarily true, but the result of poor communication. But, regretfully, some of the things were true. My pride did not want to see where I was not being Christ like.  Baggage from past interactions prevented me from loving as Christ calls me to love. But when I sought counsel and realized my actions were causing pain in the life of someone, I discovered that I needed to confess those things to God and ask His forgiveness. More importantly, I needed to ask my relative for forgiveness. That, my friend, was not an easy task. If I hear the word apologize the first thought that comes to my mind is, “Gulp, how do you eat an elephant?”  Well, as I tell my girls, “you eat an elephant one bite at a time.”  What do the first bites look like? Let me suggest the following.

 

  • Read Scripture. Perspective is everything and nothing provides perspective like God’s word. We need perspective when asking if there is something I have done to cause conflict in this relationship.
  • Go to the Person.  No emails. No texts. Communication is 90% non-verbal and only 10% verbal. If distance prevents a face to face interaction, make a phone call.
  • Listen. Listen. Listen. Did I say listen? Our tendency is to defend ourselves. Resist this temptation. God is your defender and protector.
  • Admit Wrong. I had to say, “You are right. I have___, would you please forgive me?”
  • Make a Commitment. Tell the person you will try and not commit the offense again and take the necessary steps to back up your words. For me, the culprit was poor communication. I made a commitment to call in the future and not rely on others to communicate for me.

 

Does it work? A few weeks after our interaction, our families had the chance to get together. Instead of dreading the interaction, I went with hope that things would go better than they have in the past. I felt God’s peace and joy in doing what He has called me to do. Was it easy? No. Were there times I needed a breather and needed to be alone? Yes. But, I can honestly say I had a great time and am not dreading our next family get together.

 

What about you? Do you need to go to someone before that family holiday gathering and make things right? If so, here may be some utensils to help you eat that elephant one bite at a time~

◦        Read scripture

◦        Go to the person

◦        Listen. Listen. Listen

◦        Admit wrong

◦        Make a commitment

 

I would love to know how your ‘meal’ went over the holidays. Please comment or email and let me know!

 

 

There Are Only Two Kinds of Fair

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My husband always says there are only two kinds of fair in the world; the State Fair and the County Fair. Either way, I love BOTH of those kinds of fairs. For the past ten years, my daughters and I have entered our art work in the county fair. It all started when the elementary school they attended began entering their art work in kindergarten. They would win a ribbon and prize money so I would frame the art and the cash and hang it proudly in our home. My laundry room is currently brimming with artwork they have done over the years. This year was no different.

My eldest daughter has a penchant for cooking and quilting, while the younger enjoys painting. They both obsess over photography and enjoy coming up with creative ways to capture that unusual vantage point. Competitive at heart, they both relish Friday morning at the fair when the judges have spoken and ribbons are displayed. The great thing is they get to bring their masterpieces home and add them to their collection. As we brought our masterpieces home, I got to thinking about those who raise cattle to be auctioned off at the fair. What about their ‘masterpieces’ they’ve worked so hard on?

I spoke with a mother whose son had raised cattle for the fair from the time he was 8 years old. They purchased the calf and her son was responsible for its complete care. Feeding, grooming, cleaning, and the list goes on. I would imagine that after a year of spending an enormous amount of time caring for this animal that he would become very attached. His mom went on to explain that the first year he entered his calf was the most difficult. Once it had been auctioned off, the reality of the situation began to sink it. His beloved pet was about to be no more, except a steak divvied up at market… I imagine the boy’s eyes brimming with tears as the high bidder bridled the prize he had named Buddy and began to load it into his trailer.

This scenario made me think of another story I’ve heard many, many times. It’s the one of Eve chatting with the serpent in the Garden of Eden. Have you ever asked yourself what on earth she was doing chatting it up with a snake???

Before the fall of man, Adam and Eve not only walked with God in the cool of the Garden, but with the animals, as well. I love they could apparently they could talk with the animals! This is MY ideal paradise. I love animals—well, minus snakes—are they really even considered animals anyway? I imagine having the best of both worlds—not only having some of the most amazing creatures as your very own pet but being able to communicate with them, as well. Having them outside is just another added bonus, but, I digress.

Adam and Eve loved these animals. They were like family pets. So, when God took the skin of one of these beloved pets to cloth Adam and Eve after they both sinned, they each felt a particular sting as the fur of caressed their skin each day. The consequence went deeper than just seeing that one of the animals had to be slaughtered for their disobedience. Each and every day they were reminded of what happens when we sin…we are not the only ones affected. Others around us are affected, as well.

If you have family pets, as you begin your day, imagine the pain you would feel if they had to lose their life because of your disobedience to God. Then make your decision: Choose today, to obey!

Perspective + Circumstance = Emotion

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Emotions are a funny thing. They evoke pleasure, they evoke pain. Happiness and sadness. Anger and indifference. Three weeks ago I was frustrated every time I looked out the window and saw that our cat had mots-ed up the windows again with his nose prints, just a little reminder of his presence. If only he’d not rub up against the window while looking out it, I wouldn’t have to waste my time washing those windows over and over again. Today, those same nose prints are there and I’m saddened by them. I long to leave them there. It was just a week ago that our poor kitty was diagnosed with liver cancer and we made that heart wrenching decision to put him to sleep.

Perspective feeds emotion—my perspective from a week ago has changed. My circumstances caused me to look differently at those nose prints and evoked an entirely different feeling. This caused me to wonder about other circumstances in my life. What other things am I looking at with the wrong perspective? Circumstances that are causing negative emotion and feedback in my life? Can I stop, take a moment to breath and look at both sides of the fence? When I look at ‘the green grass looks better over there’ view do I have the ability to step back and say, ‘but ah, this side of the fence allows for this and this and that?’

What about you? What circumstances in your life are causing you to look at life negatively? Can you change your thinking to look at the glass as half full? Try it and see if your perspective doesn’t just shift enough to stir your emotions to a healthier level.

E-Discipleship-Would the Apostle Paul be a fan?

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When you think of online social networking what comes to mind? Many of the older generation feel Facebook and other social networking sites are a waste of time and detrimental to relationships. In some ways, they are right… I’ve had more miscommunication with my family members through text messaging and emails than I care to remember. But, what about those people who you don’t know very well or you know well enough that they won’t take what you say out of context without the non verbal communication?

My husband and I have been apart of youth ministry for over 10 years. Facebook and text messaging has become an integral part of our communication with these students–those who are still in high school and especially keeping up with the ones who have graduated and are in college or now married. More often than not, when a former student needs advise they do not pick up the phone and call. Instead, they send a text or message us through Facebook. Last week, this whole phenomenon got my husband thinking about the aspects of this kind of communication. It sparked a thought in him and got us both thinking about e-discipleship.

If the apostle Paul were alive in 2011, how would he communicate with his followers and how would it be different from how he communicated to those in the first century. I think if we talked to Paul today, he would say that one on one communication is best. But in the first century, he could not have one on one communication with every person at every church he started. So he did the next best thing given the technology available – He wrote letters. When you compare his communication then–letters to his followers, to now, how would it differ? Would he still write letters? Would he send out an email, a text, or a Facebook message?

Don’t get me wrong. I still believe face to face communication is the best. But when you can’t communicate face to face, or even on the phone, isn’t a text message or a quick message on Facebook better than nothing at all? Food for thought.

Disclaimer (my husband is an attorney, so he will like this part) – If confusion or conflict becomes escalated in your e-communication, stop what you are doing and go to that person IN PERSON. The relationship is far too important to let miscommunication destroy it.

What the Body Worlds Exhibit Taught Me about God

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My daughter and I attended the Body Worlds and the Brain exhibit over the weekend. She aspires to be a doctor some day and has been chomping at the bit to see this display since it came to Arizona several months ago. As we planed out day, we asked several people how long they needed to tour the exhibit. After hearing from several, we decided four hours should do it. On Saturday, we were wearing comfortable shoes, with several hours to take in all the exhibit had to offer as well as get our monies worth.

Well, it was a mistake going on a Saturday. There were so many people, we were pretty sure that the fire code was being ignored. To boot, we’re both a bit claustrophobic when it comes right down to it. We decided to strategically make our way through the cases—we had a brilliant plan. The bodies in the exhibit are cadavers that have been sealed through a process called plastination. It is amazing how you can see the detail from the human body whether it is nerve endings, organs or muscle tissue. I must admit because it’s real and so detailed, that I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat red meat until the vision has left my memory. The exhibits explain how exquisite the body is and how it functions— my 13 year old daughter looked up at me and said, “how can anyone believe in evolution when they look at how the human body is designed?” Truly we are insignificant when you look at the Great Designer who created it all.

The display that really caused me to see how intricate the body is designed was the fetal room where a woman and her 5 month old baby had been forever contained in plastic. As you looked at each stage in a separate glass case of the fetus from 1 week old developing to 40 weeks old, I was again reminded of how exquisite the human body is designed and how amazing the creation of life is.

When we arrived at church on Sunday, our pastor spoke on this very topic. How God is powerful, passionate, and how we should live moment by moment with recognition of God’s loving presence in our lives. One of the rather morbid things about the Body Worlds display was when the bodies had hair that had been preserved on their bodies. Yet the Bible tells us that God knows the number of hairs on our head. He knows that Tim has less today, than the day I married him. Does that seem insignificant to you? It wasn’t to God. He felt it was important enough to Him to let you know that YOU are important to Him, including the hairs on your head. If we are wandering through life wondering if God truly cares about us or even has any idea we are here on this earth, the resounding answer is YES! He knows and He cares. He desires to be intimately involved in your life—every aspect of your life including knowing how many hairs are on your head…or maybe for you it’s the lack there of when it comes to hair on your head. Either way, His desire is a relationship with you.

But how does this relationship work? Our pastor listed 6 things that are important when attempting to enhance our relationship with God.

  • Keep watching. Most days we run helter skelter from one activity to the next and never even take a minute to pause to see God working in every day life. Whether it’s His indescribable creation or that car that ran a red light and nearly missed hitting you. He is there.
  • Avoid distraction by ungodly things. When is the last time you caught yourself doing something that was completely pointless? My days are filled with those moments. I desire to be intentional using my time wisely for things that matter for eternity. Does this mean I never sit and play a game of angry birds on my phone? No, but it does mean that I don’t waste entire days saving birds from lemurs.
  • Distinguish well between better and best. How often do we get caught up doing things for God that we don’t have time to just be with God? There are times in life when we need to take a step back and evaluate our motives of why we are doing what we are doing and also ask the question, am I doing what God truly wants me to do? More often than not we convince ourselves, if I don’t do it, it won’t get done. Perhaps next time we should be asking, if I do this, will I be robbing someone else the opportunity to serve God in an area they’re more talented  than myself?
  • Take public opinion only for what it’s worth. How often do we veg out in front of the TV watching shows that dis God or read articles by people who claim God is a crutch for those who are weak. For those of us who believe in the one true God know that He is for real. He is the real deal who has shown Himself to us in a plethora of ways.
  • Work hard to keep yourself under control. Truly, most things in life you cannot control. When the dishwasher goes ca-put or when life brings tragedy in losing a loved one. But, you can control what goes on your calendar and making sure you schedule margin in your life so that when emergencies do come you aren’t ripping out all of your hair trying to figure out how you are going to have the time to handle it all. What are the non-negotiable things in your life? What are the things that can be erased or deleted from your calendar?
  • Seek Godly support through the drawbacks of life. More than once my husband and I have found ourselves calling someone older and wiser than ourselves asking them what on earth they think we should do. Sometimes they have amazing wisdom and sometimes just the mere act of talking through the issue allows God to show us what He feels is the best avenue for us to take.

If you were to die tomorrow, and you donated your body to science so they could preserve you in plastination forever, would you be okay with how you are living your life today? With how you are spending your time? My daughter did great up until the time we got to the fetal room. Then everything changed for her. Rather than spending 4 hours touring the exhibit we spent an hour and a half. Life became more real to her there in that room. God showed her that life is precious and fragile…not to be taken lightly. It seemed irreverent to take an infant, plasticate it and put it out there for all to gawk at. Man can do what he will when it comes to plasticating humans, using cryogenics to freeze a body or even taking the life of an infant in uteri. But ultimately, God is still in control. He is powerful. He is passionate. But most of all, He desires a relationship with you! I promise He does. His Word tells us He does and one of the way He shows us He desires us to know Him better? He knows how many hairs we have on our head.

When Surviving Becomes a Game in Life

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Survivor. When I mention the word, what thought comes to mind? Gloria Gainer’s song, I Will Survive? Breast cancer survivor? Or do you to think Jeff Probst? In our household, Survivor only means one thing. Eleven years, and twenty two seasons—along with names like Boston Rob, Russell, Jerri, Johnny Fairplay, and Parvati. Our family has scheduled our lives around watching the show with our best friends each week since the inception of Survivor. Jeff Probt’s dimples and receding hairline are as much a part of our lives as eating and brushing our teeth. There is always a little bit of sadness when a season comes to an end, an ultimate Survivor is named for the season and we have to wait until the new season begins months later. (And I wonder if my husband will apply again to be one of the castaways)

This season was no different for our family, but the questions asked after Rob Mariano was announced as the sole Survivor were different than previous seasons. It seemed this season, perhaps more than others, the producers focused on the friendships and bonds that are created when strangers are thrown into survival mode together for 40 days. Were the strangers different in personality this year or did the producers allow us to see what they’ve seen all along—whether you are playing a game on the field, on the court, or at a table, people are fragile individuals who are real people not just actors in a show. When a football player goes out on the field to play a game, is his attitude different than the individuals who are dropped in the middle of nowhere with strangers to play a game of survival? Should we fault players who have won Survivor by lying, cheating, blind-siding or stabbing allies in the back in an attempt to win a million dollars? It is a game, right?

Boston Rob declared he had spend 117 days physically playing Survivor and 10 years of his life masterminding how to win the game—perhaps even at the expense of his relationship with his wife, Amber, and his daughters. He also stated he went into the game with the attitude that he would do whatever it took to win the money for his family—there were no lines drawn in the sand for him. I wonder how Rob’s wife, Amber, felt about Rob snuggling up to two of the young women in an attempt to gain their loyalty?

Rob’s plan worked. Rob even blind-sided Grant, with whom he had a bond, as Jeff Probst intuitively noticed “like none other he’s seen over the years.” Yet Grant, even as a former NFL competitor didn’t look at Survivor as a game but as an opportunity—and being back stabbed was personal. Finally, everyone else thought Phillip was crazy, yet Rob saw something in Phillip no one else saw and befriended him. But, was befriending Phillip all a part of his mastermind plan or was he sincere in his friendship? I don’t have the answer to the questions—I guess for me it causes me to take a look at my life…at myself.

Now that Rob has won, what will he do now? Does he have integrity in ‘real life?’ What happens when someone ultimately is able to accomplish a major goal in their life? Will his life all of the sudden change for the better? Will the longing for something bigger in his life subside? Only time will tell. The bigger question for me is personal—I need to worry about me and not about everyone else. I need to be treating others as I desire to be treated not as I am treated. Only I am responsible for my behavior—not anyone else. What about you? Are you at a place in your life where the longing in your heart is being filled?

Is Having a Meticulous House REALLY All That Important?

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The other morning I woke up excited for the weekend. My husband and I were going away for our 21st wedding anniversary. I mentally went through the checklist in my head. Dog sitter for the puppy during the day. Check. Bags packed and hotel reservation made. Check. Driving daughter has instructions to pick up her sister when and where. Check. House cleaner scheduled to come (gift from my surrogate mother) because house guests were coming following day. Check. All was right with my world. Now, lest you think I’m a bit anal you need to know I’ve come miles from when Tim and I first got married.

Yes, I’m a bit CDO (that is OCD for those of you who don’t know but it’s in alphabetical order…the way it should be.) I used to be worse—picture Monk meets Carol Brady. House meticulously cleaned, cabinets labeled with the label maker and clothes in the closet organized by season, color and style. Okay, I admit my clothes are still organized in that fashion but I’ve given up labeling my cabinets. No need to anymore…everyone in the family knows where things get put away. *wink. The house is organized but by no means meticulous—we have an 11 week old yellow lab puppy which allows for paw prints on my dark cherry wood flooring. My husband asked me this morning if I love our daughter or am just a little bit crazy. I replied a little bit of both. Thankfully, she takes very good care of her dog and does a great job cleaning up after her…most days. But, I digress.

All was right with my world when the phone call came—the cleaning lady was not going to be able to come today. She had a family emergency. All in all, I admit, it was a pretty good excuse. But, the CDO in me was rearing it’s ugly head. We were having company the next day—how could I host them if my house was, gasp, dirty!! I decided to focus on what I was thankful for at the moment. Currently, the puppy had already gone to puppy day care so she wasn’t at the side of the bed lurching her body towards mine attempting to catapult herself on our bed. Next, my husband had taken the day off so we could go out of town for our anniversary—score, he’d be able to help me quickly clean the house. I launched myself out of bed like a piece of bread flying out of the toaster and set myself to task…after I made my coffee, of course. My brain went into gear, made a list for the hubby and within an hour and a half the house was clean (except for the bathrooms which my darling daughter and her rambunctious pooch were going to get to clean later).

Looking back, the house is not perfectly clean—it cannot be. We have a Siamese cat, a new puppy and an African Grey parrot that loves to fling items at the other animals in the house. (he calls for them in my voice and when they come flying around the corner he launches his toys at them. The cat has figured out his game plan but the puppy has not and Solomon (the parrot) really finds the game quite fun.) I’m not sure I’ve really changed all that much. My default mode is to obsess about things I cannot control. But my coping mechanism has changed. I’ve realized that I’m not the only one who lives in my house—my family lives here too. I have a choice to make each day. I can obsess about the fact that they don’t share my love for a clean house and make them all miserable or I can decide that I would rather live with them…and a slightly ‘lived in’ house…than live without them. It’s a tension in my life that is not going to go away and how I deal with it will not only help me grow in character but will also show my family I love them more than a clean, organized Carol Brady meets Monk kind of house.

What do you need to let go of in your life to let your family know you love them?

When Telling Your Kids No Doesn’t Work

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Recently, we’ve run into this rebellious streak with our yellow lab puppy–she always seems to want what she can’t have; to do what she’s not supposed to do; and has selective hearing to boot. If I could just figure out how get her on the right track I’d be so excited, but I’m afraid with a puppy I’m going to have to settle for a little rebellion over the next 18 months–

Her monster behavior reminded me of a story I read once about a fishing lodge. The lodge was two stories and located on the edge of a beautiful lake. The manager was said to have put a sign on the second level that said, “Please do not fish from the balcony.” The fishing lodge continued to have problems with people doing exactly what the sign asked them not to do–fish from the second story balcony. Finally, out of exasperation, the manager removed the sign resigning himself to the fact that he managed a fishing lodge and people were simply going to want to fish. What he discovered amazed him. People no longer fished from the balcony once the sign was removed. What is it in our nature that wants to do what we’re told we cannot do? Is it a rebellious phase? I suppose if it’s a phase some of us have never out grown it.

When I taught preschool about 25 years ago one of the things I learned in one of my early childhood education classes was how to communicate with toddlers. One of the things I distinctly remember learning was we were to tell our students what to do instead of what not to do. For example, “Sit on the swing” rather than, “don’t stand up in the swing.” I think the person who came up with this idea must have known a little bit about rebelliousness. It worked amazingly well with my charges and I rarely had major problems in my classroom. (well, I did have one little girl named Brianna who love to kick her prosthetic leg across the room out of anger…but that is a story for another day.)

Once I had children, I used the same principles with them–telling them what to do rather than what not to do. It worked pretty well until they learned how to say the word, “Why?” The majority of the time I would explain why I wanted them to do something and that seemed to suffice until the teenage years. Then, we decided that helping them talk through decisions was the best avenue to take because if we told them what to do, that rebellious nature seemed to perk it’s grizzly head as they felt backed into a corner. Giving them choices allowed them the power to choose for themselves what to do while having our wisdom and guidance to help as they worked through their decisions.

Now, if we could just learn a method of discipline that would work for our puppy —

When God Feels Like He’s a Million Miles Away

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     Do you ever feel like God is a million miles away? Maybe you wonder if God has gone on an extended vacation. He has no fixed time line as to when He is coming home. Perhaps you wonder if God has permanently blocked your prayers. Maybe if you just did more for the church, you would move you up on the prayer chain—because surely God will love you more if you just did more for Him.

The other night my daughter came into our room and sat up on our bed with her book. We didn’t talk about much, really—she had her book and I had mine. It was that she simply wanted to be with me—near me. Occasionally she would mention some funny thing about her book or remember something she forgot to tell me about her day. But the most important thing to her at the moment was having her momma close at hand.

I wonder if I didn’t take those one on one moments with my daughter–how that would make her feel? What if I simply called her when I needed something—asked her to show up for family get togethers so I could impress my family members. What if I stayed really busy doing stuff for her but never had time to just sit with her on the bed or hang out. I realized that often, I approach my relationship with God with that kind of attitude and then I wonder why God feels so far away from me.

Whether I look at my relationship with my daughter or my relationship God, neither will be healthy if I don’t spend one on one time. It doesn’t matter how much I do to impress them, how many gifts I give them, or how much I learn about them. None of these by themselves will make the relationship stronger…these things definitely help when the relationship is strong but won’t do anything for the relationship if I don’t take the time to sit and be still with them. It’s not about waiting for them to move closer to me—it’s about me taking the initiative to go to them and give the most valuable thing I have—myself and my time.

Family Secrets…is the Baggage Too Heavy to Carry?

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The forty days previous to Easter, also known as Lent, I decided to discipline myself to write my blog daily. It was encouraging to see I could actually do it and the conversations that came about with my daughters were priceless. They learned that their mother is not only strong willed now but was even more so as a child and teenager. They discovered that my little brother and I were best friends until I met their dad. Mostly they discovered that I’m not the same person I was when I was younger– I would hope we can all say we’ve grown and matured positively over the years.

One particular comment came from our youngest (who is thirteen) told me that she thought my family didn’t have any ‘problems.’ “Really?” I asked her with immense surprise in my tone?? She told me she’d just never heard about any of the particular family issues before and so she just assumed my family had no skeletons in the closet. Her comment reminded me of a story I’d read one time in the book, The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. The following is an excerpt of a memory of when Corrie was 10 years old and riding on the train with her father.

Corrie asked: “Father, what is sex sin?” He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor. “Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?” he said. “It’s too heavy,” I said. “Yes,” he said. “And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.” And I was satisfied. More than satisfied – wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions. For now I was content to leave them in my father’s keeping.

Perhaps without even realizing it we had kept certain information from our daughters. But looking back it was really to our advantage. Perhaps the weight of the information shared would have been too much for them to carry before now. There are definitely more things about our family I haven’t shared with my girls…and right now I’m going to use Mr. Ten Boom’s incredible wisdom and carry the weight until they are big enough to carry the weight themselves.